I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Woody Allen

I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Woody Allen

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Woody Allen

As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Woody Allen

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Woody Allen

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Woody Allen

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

Woody Allen

When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Woody Allen

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Woody Allen

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Woody Allen

I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Woody Allen

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Woody Allen